Most Common Self-Defense Myths #2: Fighting Back Always Makes It Worse

Today we're unpacking another big one:

MYTH #2: Fighting back always makes it worse.

This idea has been repeated in safety advice, school policies, HR trainings, and even by some well-meaning instructors. The logic seems sound at first: if you don’t resist, the attacker won’t escalate. But when you really look at the data, the dynamics, and the reality of violence, this myth starts to fall apart.

Let’s be clear—there are absolutely times when fighting back can escalate the situation. But saying it always makes things worse? That’s not just inaccurate, it’s dangerous. Because it strips people of choice. And choice is the foundation of real self-defense.

Why This Myth Exists

Like many myths, this one comes from a place of good intention. Parents, educators, and institutions often promote non-resistance because they want to avoid injury. And yes, in some cases, surrendering property or not escalating a robbery might be the safest option. But the myth goes too far when it tells people they should never fight back.

This mindset has roots in outdated thinking around victim behavior. For decades, survivors of assault and abuse were blamed if they resisted or if they didn’t. We need to move past that binary thinking. Real-life self-defense isn’t black and white. It’s situational, unpredictable, and deeply personal.

What the Research Says

Studies show that fighting back can be effective, particularly when it’s immediate and forceful. According to research on sexual assault resistance strategies, women who used forceful verbal and physical resistance (like yelling, striking, or escaping) were significantly less likely to be raped than those who didn’t.

That doesn’t mean fighting is always the answer. But it means it should always be an option. Self-defense is about increasing your options—not taking them away.

Types of Resistance

There’s more than one way to fight back. The idea that resistance has to be a punch in the face is part of the problem. Resistance can take many forms:

• Verbal boundaries: Saying “No” or “Stop” clearly and confidently

• De-escalation: Managing the attacker’s emotions to reduce tension

• Escape tactics: Using surprise, distraction, or environment to get away

• Physical defense: Striking, breaking grips, or creating space

Each of these tools works better in different phases of an encounter. That’s why in Before, During, After: The Timeline of Self-Defense, we break down when each one is most effective.

Fear Freezes Action

One of the biggest problems with this myth is that it feeds into the freeze response. When someone believes that fighting back will make things worse no matter what, they’re more likely to freeze when things go bad.

Freezing isn’t failure—it’s a natural human response. But the less confident you are in your ability to act, the more intense and longer-lasting that freeze can be. This is where education and training can save lives.

Teaching people how to recognize pre-attack indicators, how to respond to escalating behavior, and how to fight effectively if needed doesn’t just improve outcomes. It reduces fear. It builds clarity. And clarity under pressure is what allows you to move.

Your Goals > Their Reactions

In real self-defense, your goal isn’t to "win" the fight. Your goal is to survive it. That could mean escaping. That could mean making noise. That could mean resisting with everything you have. What matters is that your actions are aligned with your goals, not their reactions.

If someone wants your phone and that’s all they want? Give it up. If someone wants control, compliance, or to hurt you regardless of cooperation? Then resistance may be your best (or only) option.

Reality-Based Perspective

One-size-fits-all advice has no place in personal protection. Every situation is different. Every person is different. And every attacker has their own limits, triggers, and thresholds.

This is why I believe the most important part of self-defense isn’t the technique—it’s the thinking. The critical reasoning that lets you assess: What do I want right now? What do they want? What do I have available? And what’s my best chance of getting out intact?

Final Thought: Choice Is Power

The idea that "fighting back always makes it worse" removes choice from the equation. And in doing so, it removes power.

You deserve the right to resist. You deserve the right to assert. You deserve the right to defend your life.

Whether that’s through words, movement, or fists—you get to choose.

Next in the series, we’ll break down Myth #3: "If I carry a weapon, I’ll be safe." We’ll talk about gear dependence, false confidence, and the real cost of tool-based thinking.

And if you want to understand how self-defense really works across all stages of a conflict, keep an eye out for my upcoming book Before, During, After: The Timeline of Self-Defense.

Until then, stay smart.

Randy @randykinglive

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