Most Common Self-Defense Myths #1: You Won’t Know Your Attacker

Welcome to our new blog series, Most Common Self-Defense Myths, where we challenge some of the most widely accepted but deeply flawed assumptions about personal protection. These myths don’t just misinform people—they shape how we train, who we trust, and what we prepare for. Our goal? To get real about violence and help you build a truly effective self-defense mindset.

And we’re starting with one of the biggest myths out there:

MYTH #1: You won’t know your attacker.

This single idea has shaped an entire industry. It’s why most self-defense classes start with stranger danger, parking lot ambushes, or a guy jumping out from the bushes. That stuff makes for great drills and scary YouTube clips, but here’s the truth: In most cases, the attacker is someone the victim knows.

That’s not an opinion. It’s backed by decades of research across every type of interpersonal violence. Whether we’re talking about domestic abuse, sexual assault, human trafficking, or even many physical assaults, most violence is socially close.

Let’s look at the numbers. For general violent crime, somewhere between 60% and 80% of victims know their attacker. For crimes like rape and human trafficking, that number jumps to over 90%.

So why does the industry keep selling the fantasy of the mysterious street predator? Easy. Because it lets us avoid harder conversations.

It’s easier to train for “defending against a mugger” than to talk about boundary-setting with someone you love. It’s easier to imagine a bad guy in a mask than to admit that sometimes the person hurting us is our partner, boss, coach, or so-called friend.

But if we’re going to teach real self-defense, we need to stop avoiding the truth.

Self-Defense Isn’t Just Physical

There’s a reason Before, During, After: The Timeline of Self-Defense focuses so heavily on what happens before things ever go physical. By the time someone has hands on you, you’re already behind. The real opportunity to protect yourself often comes much earlier, when things are still emotional, verbal, or social.

To reduce your chances of being selected as a target, you need to be able to spot grooming behavior. You need to be able to set and reinforce boundaries. That’s not just a safety skill—it’s a life skill. And it’s a whole lot more useful than learning how to disarm a knife attacker in a choreographed drill.

What Real-World Predators Want

Real predators aren’t looking for a fair fight. They’re looking for an easy win. Their goals typically fall into three categories:

• Your property (theft, robbery, fraud)

• Your body (assault, sexual violence, trafficking)

• Your life (murder or lethal intent)

And they want to get those things with the lowest risk to themselves.

So what do they do? They look for people who are isolated, unsure, or easily manipulated. They test your reactions. They build trust. They try to normalize small violations until bigger ones seem acceptable. This is what grooming looks like.

And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens at work. At school. In friend circles. In families. Which is why you need skills beyond just throwing a punch.

Building Stronger Boundaries

The good news? You can train to become a harder target—without learning a single martial arts move.

Here are four key skills that will make you less appealing to predators:

1. Environmental Awareness: Pay attention to your surroundings, especially in unfamiliar settings. This isn’t about paranoia—it’s about being present and engaged. Keep your head up. Look around. Stay connected.

2. Social Awareness: When you’re in a new place or group, observe the dynamics. Who commands attention? Who pushes boundaries? Who tests limits with jokes, touch, or manipulation? Predators often use charm as cover.

3. Clear Boundaries: Know what kind of language, behavior, and physical contact is okay with you—and what isn’t. Practice saying no clearly and confidently. Remember, boundaries aren’t about being rude. They’re about being safe.

4. Enforcement Tactics: Setting a boundary means nothing if you won’t back it up. That might mean removing yourself from a situation, speaking up, or involving others. The more practiced you are at asserting your space, the safer you become.

These tools may not feel as “Hollywood” as a spinning back kick, but they’re far more likely to keep you safe. They’re also harder to teach—which is why most gyms skip them. But in my opinion, they’re the foundation of real-world self-protection.

Why This Myth Persists

It’s easier to sell fear of strangers than to confront the idea that our biggest threat might be someone we know. That kind of fear sells pepper spray, viral videos, and weekend warrior courses.

But real self-defense is messier than that. It’s emotional. It’s uncomfortable. And it doesn’t always have a clean resolution.

Still, if you want to actually get safer—not just feel safer—then it’s time to kill the myths. And that starts with recognizing that most violence comes from people we know, trust, or depend on.

The next blog in this series will dig into Myth #2: "Fighting back will always make it worse." Spoiler: sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. We’ll talk about how to tell the difference.

And if you want the full roadmap to smarter self-protection, keep an eye out for my upcoming book Before, During, After: The Timeline of Self-Defense.

Stay sharp.

Randy @randykinglive